Emotional Schitzophrenia

This is what I'm suffering from. It seems that one moment I am in a state of euphoria, totally in love with my life and grateful for every. single. thing.  Then the next moment I am moody and totally hating all that I'm doing (or not doing) with my so called life.  In my euphoric state I count my blessings and happily trot down the path that leads me through my journey.  On my bad days I curse the day and everyone in it.  The worst part of my negative attitude is that my head tells me that I should not feel such despair and that I have many things to be happy about ... but my heart can not hear my head through the loud noise of sobbing and self hating dialogue.  On these days I just want to start over.  I allow myself to wallow in my misery possibly because it is part of my self diagnosed, totally made up illness or possibly because I know that tomorrow will be a better day and that I will have a better attitude and be more capable of handling life.  That is it!  I know that tomorrow will be better and I will return to my grateful, fun-loving self.  Tomorrow I will be grateful, for a number of things but mostly that today is over.

Give It Up

Your time that is... VOLUNTEER!  It is a great way to give back for all the awesome things you have to be grateful for and it really helps to put your life in perspective.  While I fill the role of unemployed housewife I've decided to spend my Tuesdays here.  So get off your rump and go make a difference.  Do it.

Blessings: Count em.

Man, I've been an emotional roller coaster lately.  As I mentioned before, each day has been a struggle.  And truth be told, I find myself searching for a do over on most days...  At any rate, I decided that I desperately needed a reminder of how I deal with difficult times.  In my experience there is only one way to deal with less than ideal situations and that is to stop belly aching and count your blessings.  This may not be a profound "secret" but it truly can help you.  Like most things, it sounds easy enough but in reality it is really difficult because it is the opposite of what you really want to do.  It is human instinct to wallow around in self pity and anger.  To get down on the fact that you are in a trying time in your life that seems unfair and unannounced.  To curl up in the fetal position while crying about all the things that are wrong in your life.  These are such knee jerk reactions that in bad times I have to constantly remind myself to stop and be thankful.  Like recently, I've forgotten to be grateful for all the amazing things in my life- big and small.  It is a struggle not to focus on the bad and worry about the future.  But, I can guarantee that regardless of what is going on  we always have MORE things to appreciate than bad things to dwell on. Gua-ran-tee.  So hopefully this post can serve as a reminder for you and for me to be grateful. Because it is easy to count blessings in good times but the real challenge is counting them when you forget how to count.

Day By Day

When I first lost my job I was completely shocked.  I didn't see it coming at all.  After a weekend of crying and self pity, Monday morning I picked myself up and started searching for a job like a crackhead searching for a crack rock.  I had a great perspective and had decided that I was exactly where I was supposed to be and that this was an opportunity for me to get into a career that really fulfilled me.  I actually felt free and refreshed. Then the second week came .... and my wonderful outlook turned sour. The harsh reality seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. It became harder to motivate myself, then I would feel guilt for losing focus or not trying hard enough.  I felt so guilty I might as well turned Catholic.  Things have gotten better since then, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that each day is a struggle.  It is easy to get negative and question my self worth.  It is really hard, but I have to remind myself that this will not last forever.  I found this article that really makes some great points on job-hunting burnout.  The best point that this article makes for me is that it is okay to take a break from job searching.  I often work all day looking but when I do take breaks I feel super guilty.  Unemployment is an emotional rollercoaster and the best thing that I can do to survive this time is to take things day by day.  Take each day and try my best and when those days don't work out- start over tomorrow.  I have to have faith in tomorrow, especially when today looks so bleak.

Blood From A Stone

4,781.72 bucks is the unforeseen amount that this girl owes to the IRS.  Pretty convenient seeing as I don't have any money and that I'm currently unemployed.   It's human nature to panic about how I'm going to pay this debt or stress over how awful the timing is, but instead I calmly wait on hold with the FEDS (7 minutes and counting). It isn't that I don't care, it's just that I there really isn't anything I can do about it.  So I'll do my best, I'll give them what I can and I'll try to block out the fact that I'm in over my head in debt.

Besides, you can't get blood from a stone.

Decide What To Be And Go Be It

What do you want to be when you grow up?  We have been asked this question since we were old enough to talk.  The answers have changed througout the years ranging from circus clown to a lawyer.  For some the answer is and always was simple and for some of us the answer is undecided and nags us every day of our unfullfilled life.  I'm not sure how we  find our purpose as I'm trying desperately to find mine. I've always felt as if I have a lot of skills to offer and that my purpose would come to me if I worked hard and kept my eyes open.  I've read articles about how other lucky souls have found their destiny, I've watched so much Oprah that I actually believe in AH HA Moments and living your best life.  But how?  One of my favorite Avett Brothers' songs (yes, I turn to music lyrics for life answers) says to "decide what to be and go be it."  Sounds easy.  But is isn't.  How do you decide?  And once you decide, how do you know that you'll be good at it?  Is life just a bunch of trial and error?  When I was in my early 20s I thought it was most important to experience life- before I got bogged down with age, kids, a husband, and a 9 to 5.  I figured that a smart girl like me would be savvy enough to get a dream job when the time came.  That girl did not expect to be 29 and unemployed.  I have experienced a lot that life has to offer, I've found a man that I love and that loves me back.  For some that would be enough but I'm shooting for the trifecta and looking for self fullfilling work that gives my life purpose and meaning.  Something that I love to do but that also gives me free time to live and enjoy my best life.  Listing  all this out makes me realize why I'm unemployed... I mean this job isn't going to be found on CareerBuilder.  And it is quite possible that it isn't going to be found at all, but my older self owes it to my younger self to try.  My younger self had faith in my older self and I don't want to let that free spirited, wide eyed girl down.  So while I'm here I'll document this journey of self actualization and purpose finding.  In the end, I'll either have a purpose or I'll become a really cool bank teller.  Lets decide what to be and go be it.